From the desk of VValak Lizardtongue, Grand Shepherd of the Tyrythian Empire:

Well this is just complete and utter bulls**t.

Those idiotic, moronic Terranoids think they can just roll in here and take over my beautiful Tyrythian kingdom? The kingdom that I built from the ground up with my bare hands, and only sort of inherited from my dear, sweet, extremely dead father?

Did I mention that this is bulls**t?

It’s fine though, because what they don’t realize is that I am going to make them very, very dead. Along with my trusty sidekick and childhood nursing bot Milky – please do not ask me questions about that – I will whizz over to Earth, turn it into a stinking pile of rubble, and be back home in time for a warm glass of milk before bed.

Earth Must Die is the story of my glorious rise to power (off the back of my adored father’s passing), my subsequent accidental surrender to the Terranoids, and my infamous revenge against Earth and everything it stands for.

Apparently the story is retold in the form of one of those old point and click adventure games that people gave a sh*t about in the 1990s, I wanna say? But in 2026. Doesn’t sound like a good idea to me, but what do I know – I’m just a benevolent, terrifying leader of worlds who everyone loves and also super respects.

I’m also not sure what the phrase “British comedy royalty” is supposed to mean, but I guess they got a bunch of “funny” f*ckwits to dub over my glorious voyage to feed the Terranoids their own bumholes? Let me just copy/paste the list here so I don’t have to give them any more time and effort than they deserve:

How do I not have someone to do this for me? Anyway, apparently my magnificent story is told over a series of many hours, and you click a bunch and things happen and really I don’t care about any of this, I’m just here for the glory.

Can you experience my unbelievably cool story through whatever this is, something called “Steam”? It’s apparently how you accessed experiences like this back in 2025. Sounds primitive, but I guess every civilization has to start as gross slugs crawling their way onto the banks of the future.

VValak signing off.